


Panic

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex freaks out, And has nobody to help him, Angst just a lot of angst, I live for the angst tbh, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 23:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6928384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was easy to get lost. It was very easy to get lost in his thoughts because his thoughts were constant and strong and overwhelming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is just a drabble based on how I feel when I have a panic attack, like the whole mind racing and kind of feeling like your thoughts aren't actually coming from you, and talking to yourself.. basics it's not fun. Either way, proceed!

It was easy to get lost. It was very easy to get lost in his thoughts because his thoughts were constant and strong and overwhelming. They were his, in essence, his thoughts. But not always. Not always, because sometimes his thoughts would drift off into other places, other corners of his mind, and when he got lost there.. it was near impossible to get out.

Today was one of the unfortunate days when, despite all of his internal fighting, Alex couldn’t get out. It started out small, just his hands shaking, something he was used to, so much so that he barely noticed it. After his hands his mind started shaking, racing, begging for attention. 

He tried to ignore it. ‘If I don’t think about it it’ll just go away,’ he thought, desperate for it to be true. But it wasn’t that simple, it was like the penguins. Alex learned about it in his psych class once- tell someone not to think about penguins, it’s all they’ll be able to think about. And as he keeps telling himself not to think about his anxiety it just keeps coming back, stronger, stronger, stronger.

He wasn’t even sure why, it was just there, making his thoughts race. He tried to focus on something, anything, but his eyes were blurring in and out of focus, he blinked so many times he began to cry. Or maybe it wasn’t the blinking, maybe it was the panic. He didn’t know, he wasn’t sure. He was never su-

John. He wasn’t sure about John, if he truly loved him, or if he pitied him, pitied him as his cousin had pitied him until he was gone, as Nevis had pitied him until he got to America, as the Americans had pitied him until he found a home. He wasn’t sure, and it scared him.

Scared. He wasn’t scared. He was panicked. There was a difference. Scared is the feeling you get when you’re about to get eaten by a bear. He had never faced a bear. But he had faced a drunk Burr. That was probably worse. Panicked.. panicked is the feeling.. no. It’s not a feeling. Panic is a thing. It’s a thing, it’s the racing of your heart, it’s the twitching of your hands, it’s tangible, at least to he who is panicking.

Eliza. Eliza was the next thing to come to his fluttering thoughts, ‘Does Eliza hate me? She probably hates me, I’m annoying, I panicked during the storm, there was a storm, is there a storm? No there’s no storm, it’s clear.. it’s not clear it’s cloudy, it’s cloudy but it’s not raining so it’s okay, but it’s not okay because he’s still afraid, no, panicked.’

‘And Laf. What about Laf?’ he thought frantically. ‘He knows I know French but I don’t speak French, what if he thinks I’m not trying hard enough, or if on the rare times I do he gets annoyed cause I’m underestimating hi-

Underestimation. There was another thing for Alexander to worry about. He could barely finish a thought before another one came, but they were all bad, all working against him. The thing.. the thing he was thinking about. What was it? Underestimation. He felt underestimated. Or maybe he was afraid of it. That was afraid, scared, not panicked. You don’t get panicked of being underestimated, there’s another difference..

Differences. He didn’t like them, well he did like them, but not always. He liked that there was difference in people or they’d be boring but he didn’t like that different people treated him different because he was.. different. ‘How many times did I just say that word? I’m not saying anything.. I’m not talking.. but I’m talking to myself, in my head,’ he thought, words flowing to his head a mile a minute, a mile a second. He opened his eyes- when had he closed them? And blinked some more, wiping tears away- when had they fallen?

‘Alex.. stop,’ he said to himself. He thought about John’s words, now John’s voice in his head, John’s, not Alex’s, so maybe he’d be okay because now someone else could help. ‘No, It’s still me,’ he told himself, but he didn’t want it to be true. He tried to reach for the phone, but his hands were shaking, his vision was blurry, he didn’t want to bother John. ‘Breath,’ the metaphorical John said to him in his head. ‘Inhale: One, two, three, “four, five,” he counted, not realizing he started to speak out loud. “exhale five, four, three, two, one,” he added, but suddenly it wasn’t John’s voice, it was his.

‘Alex, you’re talking out loud, of course you don’t hear John’s voice, you don’t have John’s voice.’ Obviously, obviously, obviously, he scolded himself. He should’ve realized, he was smarter than that. No, he should’ve been breathing. Breathing, breathing, yes. Breathing was important to live, if you don’t breath you don’t live you die, but he wanted to die right now, it was hard and it’d be easier to be dead. But Alex broke when his mom died, but Alex wasn’t anybody’s mom. But he loved his mom, and John loved him, and he didn’t want to break John, so maybe he’d stay alive for just a bit more, a bit more, a bit more, breath. 

‘Breath, Alex. You’ll be okay.’

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I live for comments, so please comment if you liked it, any criticisms, any ideas for one-shots you'd like, or anything else!  
> And Don't Forget To Be Awesome  
> -Hannah


End file.
